Moving to Untidy Mind

•03/27/2009 • 2 Comments

I’ve imported all of my posts to my other site:  Untidy Mind

Please, update the bookmarks.  I don’t plan on updating this blog anymore.  It’s just a bit much keeping track of two different blogs, besides, I paid for the other one, might as well get the most out of my money.  🙂

Thanks guys and gals… see you in my Untidy Mind.  🙂


Can I Have That Back, Please?

•03/26/2009 • 2 Comments

Of all the various body parts/organs I’ve lost (had removed) over the years, this includes wisdom teeth (all 4, at once), appendix, gall bladder, and parts of my fallopian tubes, I think I would like to have my gall bladder back — in perfect working order, of course.

Having that piece of my anatomy removed has just reeked havoc on the rest of me.  The worst?  The squirts.  All the time.  Often unexpected.  I have found that fiber therapy like Metamucil Powder helps a lot.  But that requires consistency…  something I’m very bad at.  I’m not a person to take pills (or anything else) regularly… like antibiotics.  I’m always running several days over because I’d forget one here and forget one there.  Anyway, fiber… and lots of it.  I know this sounds all backwards, but it works.  I think it’s just the extra bulk.  High fiber foods, on the other hand, make matters worse.  I can’t win.

I can’t eat regular popcorn.   The microwave variety, that is.  I has to be the light kind.  Eating the full fat popcorn makes the right upper quad of my abdomen hurt so bad it feels like I’m having another gall bladder attack.  No fun.  Some research has shown that the duct where the gall bladder used to be attached will sometimes create another “outpouching” to allow the body to again store some of the liver’s bile to help with digestion.  I’m sure that’s what wrong.  I’ve grown a make-shift gall bladder.  Now, I’m betting that if I ever (Heaven forbid) lose a limb, my body won’t be so eager to regenerate another one to replace it.

I remember when my mom (cholecystitis tends to be handed down from mom to daughter, thanks Mom) had to have hers taken out.  I bawled for a long time, afraid I’d never see her again.  How old was I?  7, maybe?  Anyway, the surgeon she had let her have the stones they removed from her gall bladder.  Why?  Firstly, because they were some of the biggest he’d ever seen… secondly (and if you’re easily grossed out, skip this next sentence) they looked like Milk Duds in shape, size and color.  It was facinating.  It was a running joke in the family for quite a while.

After having it removed, I kept having “residual” attacks, which worried my surgeon that maybe there was a stone caught in the duct so it wasn’t removed during surgery.  I had to have endoscopy done just to be sure.  Nothing.  Of course, I’m the one who’s lucky enough to have phantom organ pain.  Go figure.

I don’t miss my appendix.  The missing wisdom teeth, no big deal (although the torture of having them removed is a whole ‘nother story.)  The fallopian tubes being cut, tied, burnt… good thing.  I’m bad with pills, remember?

The next possible surgery?  Neck.  Herniated disk.  Left side, bulging outward, pushing on nerves.  It will behave itself for quite a while, but this last week it’s been giving me nothing but grief.  I’m sitting her after taking a Flexaril and an Ultram, felling kinda fuzzy, but still having the burning, stabbing, pulling, pinching, tingling pain that’s also assisting my head in its aching activities.   Last time I saw my pain management doctor about it, it wasn’t bad enough to require surgical repair.   How did I manage to herniate a disk in my neck?  By doing this:

Be careful if you ever lay this way!!

Be careful if you ever lay this way!!

While watching TV in bed one fine morning.  Hugh P*O*P from the neck area, then an, “OH SHIT!” from me. I was in misery for months.  So, I’ll issue the official warning about assuming this position.  It can harm you.  Badly.  Needless to say, I an unable to do that anymore, on either side.

Has anyone else lost a body part/organ that you wish you could have back?

The flexaril is kicking my ass.  I’m gonna go stretch out on the bed and crash.

Making My Love Known

•03/26/2009 • 2 Comments

Well, not really my love… here’s the scoop.

On the long drive back from Hubby’s doctor appointment yesterday, we followed this car a good part of the drive through the heart of the Hocking Hills.  When we reached town, I saw this:

We Love Jesus!

Jesus Fish

While further inspecting the vehicle…  there was also this:

Mickey Mouse!

Mickey Mouse

I looked at my Hubby and ask, “Do you think they love Jesus?”

He says, “Probably.”

Then I add, “And Mickey Mouse, too?”

He bluntly says, “I’d say so.”

We Love Jesus - And Mickey Mouse!

We Love Jesus... and Mickey Mouse!

Sarcasm: Lesson 1 – 03.25.2009

•03/25/2009 • 6 Comments

“Pssst… Your anus is showing.”

When should you use this handy phrase?  When someone is being painfully anal over something.  Best said with complete and total sarcasm, with one eyebrow raised and a semi-smirk on your face.

This can be used to show your amusement or displeasure.  How it’s taken will depend on the tone used and your accompanying body language.

For example:

“Pssst… Your anus is showing,” you say as you wave it off with one hand and walk away, not caring to see the reaction.  This would be an example of using this statement to show your frustration and disdain.

— While —

“Pssst… Your anus is showing,” you smile and pat your pal on the back.  This will show how you’re amused by the whole episode.

There’s a bonus to using this little phrase:  It usually shuts them down cold, putting an air-tight lid on the anal-retentive outburst.

Afflicted with Spoonerism

•03/24/2009 • 3 Comments

I have it.  I knew there had to be a name for it.

This is from
spoonerism \SPOO-nuh-riz-uhm\, noun The transposition of usually initial sounds in a pair of words.

The best example is one that I tend to use on purpose:  “Dude, I’m so tired I’m totally dain bread.”   Which translated into spoonerismless English should be, “Dude, I’m so tired I’m totally brain dead.”

But, then I find myself unintentionally saying stuff all bass ackwards.   For example:

I’m gonna take my bett to bud. (butt to bed)

If I tell ya I’d kave to hill ya. (have to kill ya)

In addition, I also have anomic aphasia.  Although not officially diagnosed, I’m almost certain I can claim it, too.  It’s been a problem for me since I had sepsis back in 2000.

Anyone else deal with frequent spoonerism or anomic aphasia?

Why I Love Hubby (The Torch)

•03/23/2009 • 6 Comments

Many thanks to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, who passed me the torch on her blog post Why I Love Hubby.   And since it feels like an Olympic event, I treated it as such — I took this question to bed with me last night and thought about wrestled with it.  I continued to kick it around this morning… the entire idea is now totally battered and bruised, which means I think (I need to quit that thinking business — lol) I have come up with all of the best reasons.  But I’m sure if you’d ask Dear Hubby why I love him, he’d just give you a wink and a shit-eatin’ grin.

This June, Hubby and I will look at each other with wide-eyed wonderment at the fact we allowed each other to live to celebrate our 23rd anniversary.  (I can’t believe I just said that!  That makes me a very old hip and happenin’ chic, huh?)  Needless to say, along the way, I’ve learned a lot about life and that all men have to be paper trained how to love a Hubby.

I love Hubby because — well, I don’t have a good reason for loving him — I just do.  (Yes, we’ve been together that long!)  After a while all the reasons you used to be able to think of kinda meld themselves together into one simple “I just do” answer.  But I’ve plucked out some of the things that still stand out in my mind and listed them here for you.

1.) He puts up with my eccentricities as well as my frequent whining and sudden (sometimes unprovoked) outbursts.

2.) He gives into my every whim…  which used to outnumber all the stars in the sky… however, as the years have passed, they’ve dwindled considerably.  *Lucky him*

3.) He tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am…  no matter how much weight I seem to collect or how many pre-rag zits pop up.

4.) He still assumes the spoon-position without being asked.

5.) He will still hold my hand in public — even that time I drug him off to WalMart during rush-hour with my hair a color that could have easily put an orange construction barrel to shame!  (I won’t mention the fact that he tried to sneak away once we entered the store and he saw the people staring at me — and him!)  I had to get a darker shade of Auburn to fix it.  I couldn’t go to work like that, no matter how much he tried not to laugh, and no matter how poorly he lied when he told me it “looks just fine.”  Did I mention he’s a very BAD liar?

6.) He never tells me, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache.” *giggle*

7.) Sometimes, unexpectedly, he’ll whip off a pee-my-pants funny.  Usually when we’re driving somewhere, and we’re a long ways from an acceptable bathroom.  Now that I think about that… I think he does that on purpose.   I think he likes to watch me squirm.  Maybe I don’t love him for that after all.

8.) He doesn’t try to make me love, get along with, tolerate all, some, any of the in-laws and he agrees emphatically that his younger brother is a lazy idiot.

We won’t talk about the number of items I’ve had to throw at him throughout the years to teach him when it’s best to be quiet and no argue with me.  He now fully understands and has come to terms with the fact that I am Einstein-magnitude-brilliant and I’m never, ever wrong.  *E*V*E*R*

We’ve been together long enough now that it’s safe to consider him “a keeper.”  Besides, just the thought of having to housebreak a new Hubby makes me shudder.

With that, I’ll nominate just two people (and hope they’ll do it):
Redneck Mommy and
A Real Housewife

And now that he’s spied the topic of this post over my shoulder and commented, “Oh, now you wanna torch me, huh?”  He may come to see what I’ve griped lovingly written about him online.  And if, Darling Hubby, you are reading this… I really do love you for all of those reasons, and many more!

Top 7 Things I Did NOT Want To Know…

•03/18/2009 • 7 Comments

Everyone has been plagued by the occasional (or sometimes frequent) person who either won’t shut up, or when they do speak, what they tell you is stuff you really didn’t care to know.   I’m no exception… I draw them like flies.   I have officially labeled myself “The Shit Magnet.”   So, I’d like to list the top 7 things I have been told that I really didn’t want, or need, to know.  If you think you can come up with a good top 7 (or even 10) list, too, post it on your blog, then gimme the link back.  This should be interesting.

7.  That person keeps staring at you.
Thanks a lot for the extra dose of self consciousness and paranoia…  Now they’ll be staring at me and I’ll KNOW they’re doing it!

6.cigar-tube I have to drop the kids off at the pool.
Oh, geez.  Can’t you take a dump without making a public service announcement?

5.  I use these plastic cigar tubes and have my kids pee in it so I can pass the drug screening for work.  I just keep it my bra so it’s body temperature if I get tested.
Great, we have a coke-head working for Kokosing (yes, the pavement crews.)

4.  I have a big boil *down there*.
Oh, lovely, I may be a nurse, but I’m not YOUR nurse.  Please, keep that to yourself and discuss it with your real healthcare provider.

3.  I’m not circumcised, and some girls are freaked out by that.
I’m freaked out by the fact that you just told me that right here in front of my husband!

2.  We have Mac ‘n Chip thighs!
(LMAO @ you-know-who-you-are!!)

And finally…

1.  He shaved his d*ck in the shape of a heart!
This from my MIL, who was talking about her husband who she thought was having an affair…  Holy shit.  She does NOT know that there’s just some information you do NOT tell your DIL!  I’ve been forever scarred by it.  And come to think of it, she didn’t even seem the slightest bit concerned that there is (evidently) enough hair on his d*ck for him to be able to shave it into the shape of something.  Ewwww.